"I Hate to Write, but I Love Having Written" - Dorothy Parker
Time is moving at warp speed and things are getting a little blurry. We are moving to Colorado in two weeks and taking a quick side trip to Florida first. We wanted to see Mimi and Papa and my toes were craving the sand...If I had to name what I am feeling right now it would probably be denial. All other emotions are suspended.
I was having a difficult time discerning what to write about next but the universe gave me a little clue. I visited a friend of mine last week who just moved into a new home. I can't recall what we were talking about but at one point I asked her if she knew the goddess Kuan Yin. I have been on the hunt for a Kuan Yin statue but have learned over time, it will find me when I least expect it.
The next morning, my friend left me a voice memo saying - "Well, it will not surprise you that while I was watching the new season of 'Next in Fashion' Kuan Yin made an appearance." I giggled as I listened as I do not believe in coincidences. This was the universe nudging us both. She then said that in the show, they referenced that Kuan Yin was the goddess of fertility, which up until now, I had only heard her associated with compassion or mercy. My friend said, "I can't wait to see what idea you are about to birth next!" Multiple times that day Kuan Yin showed up in a variety of ways. That was when I knew my next blog. This is one of my secrets...Shhhh...
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About 5 or 6 years back, I was standing at my kitchen sink washing dishes when I felt a wriggle inside my stomach. I knew I was not pregnant. What I did know, what I had just learned a few days before, was that I had parasites…mold… and candida but none of these things should wriggle.
"What the serious fuck", I thought. And then I started to laugh. I was like- Oh my God, I need to write a book. It will be called “Hostess with the Mostess”. Chapter 1- ‘Mold-Who Invited the Fungi?’
A couple of days later I got a call from my doctor‘s office. We had to run a couple of tests and they were calling back with my results. They said, “Ashley can you come in tomorrow?” I knew this wasn’t good because my doctor usually had a three-month waiting list. "Sure", I said and hung up.
The next day, I showed up for my appointment and walked into the doctor's office. He said, “Well, you also have worms.” Cue jaw drop. I was like how could that be? You just did a test and all that came back were parasites. He said “What I think might’ve happened was when we started to treat the parasites, it woke up the worms. They can lay dormant in your system.” (I’m so sorry if I just made you want to throw up a little bit.) I couldn't believe it. This type of information is bittersweet. On the one hand, it proved that all of my mystery health issues were not made up. Before going to this integrative physician, I had a traditional doctor say to me, "You can touch your toes, you're healthy!" If you are confused like I was, what she meant was you're skinny therefore you're healthy. What I didn’t realize at the time was that, even though I would treat and kill the parasites, mold, candida, and worms, something else would continue to wriggle inside of me for years.
Have you ever thought about writing a book? I surely had not until that day at the kitchen sink. In fact, I can pretty comfortably say I hate writing. I was a molecular biologist by study. I have always been a science and math girl at heart. Numbers were my jam. Do you need me to write a lab report? I got you. Writing stories, though? Eek! Here come all my insecurities.
What I didn’t realize when the idea of a book bubbled up in my head was that the idea would come alive with personality. It’s like I have a little six-year-old girl sitting in my brain, squirming at her desk, raising her hand, saying “pick me, pick me, pick me!” It’s much like how Elizabeth Gilbert explains her theory on ideas in her book “Big Magic”. She doesn’t believe ideas are thoughts, but more like entities. They jump in and out of people. If they want to come into existence quickly, and the person they have selected, doesn’t act fast enough, they will jump into another person. Apparently, my idea is overflowing with patience. She knows she has found the right person and is waiting for me to put on my brave pants.
Writing a book feels much like trying to birth a baby. I can feel the growing and stretching and kicking but I have no idea of the due date. I have been pregnant with this book for well over five years now and I believe it might be breach.
Question: What idea might you be trying to birth? What is standing in the way of the delivery? Is there one small step you could take toward bringing this idea into existence?
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