"Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" - Brené Brown
So I wrote this blog a few weeks ago and then life happened and I didn't get a chance to post it. I think I was setting an intention for myself as I entered this new chapter of life. Now that I am a week plus into living in the mountains, I realize old habits die HARD!! I want to constantly be lint brushing the fur off of me and sweeping up any rogue pine needles left on the floor from the dogs. Part of me is realizing there is a delicate dance between letting go of old habits and accepting where I am today. Wouldn't you know that letting go can ACTUALLY feel like another expectation??
A few years back, I was getting to know my Alanon sponsor more deeply. At the time, she was about 80 years old and was a retired alcohol and drug abuse counselor. She said, "Ashley, you know what I had every patient of mine put on their refrigerator as a reminder?" -I couldn't even come close to guessing this one- "I had everyone put a sign on their fridge that said 'What have I half-assed today?'" At first, I was confused. I thought this was another invitation to beat myself up for something I hadn't done well enough. She quickly corrected me and said no... This is an invitation to half-ass a few things. She deeply believes we, as a society, are addicted to perfection and this perfection is the root of A LOT of our suffering.
Even the word itself feels heavy-Expectations. I have been tumbling this word around my brain for a while now. I have found some of the sneaky ways this word inserts itself into all sorts of situations. I’ve been reflecting on how I secretly inject expectations into different scenarios with others as well as with myself. I don’t even realize I’m doing it most of the time.
Usually, I think I’m being kind and even generous, sometimes. It could be a simple invitation to visit or have lunch. But a sneaky little expectation attaches itself. I expect people to respond to my texts. I expect people to say yes to my generous invitations. And, oftentimes, I expect them to respond with a certain level of gratitude or enthusiasm. All of a sudden, that sweet innocent invitation doesn’t feel quite as sweet anymore.
Admitting this feels quite vulnerable really. All those expectations, in one quick text exchange, makes me feel like a little bit of a monster. And at the same time, it’s the truth. I’m working on it though. I’m starting to shift my invitations to something more like 'I would love to see you. Please know our door is always open!'
This is just a small example of a few of my daily expectations of others. In the past, these subtle expectations often would lead to some sort of suffering for me. This might simply be spinning thoughts reviewing my text, questioning the wording, to full-blown fights in my head if someone doesn't respond in an 'appropriate' time frame. I have to imagine that sort of energy is no picnic for the other person either. Please tell me I am not alone in this. Have you ever spiraled about a 'non-text' only to find out the person had to check their calendar first or maybe even just forgot to respond?
Then there are other people's expectations of me. How am I supposed to show up as a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a neighbor, a school parent, a citizen, etc.? Frequently, I feel like I am letting people down because I can’t show up how they want or need me to. This too feels quite heavy.
Finally, there’s the expectation of self, another key player that can be quite sneaky in all of this. Her name is Perfection. She sits atop her throne looking down at everyone with a beautiful smile thinking, "You could probably be doing ALL of this a little bit better". What a fun sucker!
I’m ready to embrace my messy RAW, fully human, imperfect self. I look forward to playing in the dirt, splashing in the puddles, and maybe even periodically leaving dirty dishes in the sink. I am learning as long as I want or need things to be one way, while they are a different way, I will most likely, continue to suffer.
Question: How are your obvious or not-so-obvious expectations causing you or those around you to suffer?
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